Why More Families Are Celebrating Holidays on the ‘Wrong’ Day
Sharing holidays between families is easier when adult children and parents agree on a plan early. The most common fixes are alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas each year, splitting the day between two homes, moving celebrations to another date, or hosting everyone at one house. Here’s how Acadiana families can make it work without the hurt feelings.
Every year, somewhere around Halloween, the group text starts. Somebody’s mama asks, “So who’s coming for Thanksgiving?” and suddenly three adult kids, their spouses, two sets of in-laws, and a handful of grandbabies are trying to fit into the same 24 hours. Then we do it all again for Christmas. Early on in my relationship with my wife, we dealt with it from the children's point of view. With grown children of our own, we're now on the other side of the struggle.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Once kids grow up, get married, and start families of their own, one holiday turns into a scheduling puzzle with way too many pieces. Every married couple has at least two families pulling on them. Add divorced parents or a blended family and you can end up with four or five households that all want the same Thursday in November. As a father of three girls, the struggle is real for my family. Each child has a connection outside our nuclear family that would love to have them for the holiday as well.
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Let’s face it, nobody’s the bad guy here. Parents want their kids home. Adult kids want to see everybody without spending the whole day in the car. The trouble is the math: there’s only one Thanksgiving dinner and only one Christmas morning, and everyone wants a seat at the table.
Common Holiday Scheduling Conflicts for Adult Children
Holiday conflicts aren’t one-size-fits-all. Here are a few of the situations that make things tricky:
- Both families live close by. Around Acadiana, plenty of us grew up within 20 minutes of our in-laws. That sounds easy, until both mamas expect you at noon.
- One side lives out of state. If one side is in Lafayette and the other is in Dallas or Atlanta, you can’t split the day. Every trip is a whole weekend, and travel costs go up fast around the holidays.
- Divorced or remarried parents. One couple can easily end up with four sets of parents. Trying to please all of them in one day is a recipe for a meltdown in the car.
- Young kids at home. Once there are little ones, a lot of couples want Christmas morning in their own living room. That’s a big change for grandparents who’ve hosted it for 30 years.
- Work schedules that don’t care about holidays. Nurses, first responders, retail workers, and folks on offshore or plant rotations don’t always get the day off. In south Louisiana, a 14-and-14 hitch can wipe out a holiday for the whole family.
- The first holiday after a loss. When a parent or grandparent passes, the old routine doesn’t quite fit anymore, and nobody wants to be the one to say so.
10 Ways to Split Thanksgiving and Christmas Between Families
There’s no perfect answer, but there are a few ways to take the pressure off everybody. Here’s what I’ve seen work, and is backed up by WeddingWire, having implemented more than one of these strategies in my own family:
- Alternate the Big Ones: The classic fix. Thanksgiving with her family and Christmas with his this year, then flip it next year. It’s fair, easy to remember, and nobody has to rehash it every November. Write it down so nobody “forgets” whose turn it is.
- Split the Day: If both families are local, have lunch at one house and supper at the other. Fair warning: you will eat two Thanksgiving dinners, and you’ll want a nap in between. Keep it to two stops. Three houses in one day isn’t a holiday, it’s a delivery route.
- Move the Date: The calendar isn’t sacred. A Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday tastes just as good as one on Thursday, and Christmas on December 27 still has gifts, gumbo, and family. Some of the best holiday get-togethers I know of happen on the “off” day, when nobody is rushing to get somewhere else.
- Split Christmas Eve and Christmas Day: For a lot of Louisiana families, Christmas Eve is a big deal on its own, with Midnight Mass, réveillon dinners, or a big family party. Give one side Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day, and everybody gets a real holiday instead of a rushed one.
- Host It Yourself: If you’re tired of driving all over the parish, invite everybody to your place. Both sides of the family at one table can be a little awkward the first time, but it’s usually a lot less stressful than splitting yourself in half. Bonus: nobody has to load car seats.
- Plan Early and Talk It Out: Don’t wait until the week before. Have the conversation by late summer or early fall, and talk to your spouse first so you’re on the same page before you talk to either family. Most hurt feelings come from surprises, not from the actual plan.
- Give Young Families Their Own Traditions: If your kids have little ones, let them have Christmas morning at home. Grandparents can come over for breakfast, or the family can head to Grandma’s after the presents are opened. Kids only believe in Santa for a few years, and parents want to see that in their own house.
- Work Around Work Schedules: If someone in the family works the holiday, celebrate when they’re home. A Thanksgiving dinner the week before because your brother goes offshore on Wednesday beats a dinner with an empty chair.
- Use the Other Holidays: Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t the only days that count. If one side misses out this year, make Easter, Mardi Gras, or the Fourth of July their big family day. Around here, a crawfish boil in April can be just as memorable as a turkey in November.
- Lean on Video Calls for the Gaps: It’s not the same as being there, but a FaceTime call while the kids open presents goes a long way for the grandparents who aren’t in the room this year.
How Parents of Grown Kids Can Ease Holiday Stress
If you’re the parent waiting on your grown kids to commit, cut them some slack. They’re not choosing the other family over you; they’re trying to keep everyone happy, including their spouse. The more flexible you are, the more likely they are to want to be at your table. Telling your kids “come whenever you can, we’ll be here” is one of the best gifts you can give them.
How to Tell Your Family About Your Holiday Plans
You can’t please everybody, and you shouldn’t wear yourself out trying. Pick a plan that’s fair, explain it kindly, and stick with it. Your family will adjust. And if somebody’s upset, remember they’re upset because they want to see you. That’s a pretty good problem to have.
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At the end of the day, the date on the calendar matters a lot less than who’s sitting around the table. However your family works it out this year, I hope you get plenty of good food, a few good laughs, and maybe a nap somewhere between dinner number one and dinner number two.
