Worst Nightmare Realized: Watch a Snake Coming Up a Texas Toilet

I will never sit on a toilet in peace again.

Just imagine sitting there, minding your own business, having a little “me time” when all of a sudden Mr. Snake decides to poke his head up out of the toilet and tickle your private parts – if you’re lucky, that is.

Because with my luck, that thing would bite me right on the balls. Of course, the people in the Emergency Room would pretend like they believed my story about a snake coming out of the toilet and biting my junk.

Get our free mobile app

But behind my back, they would be secretly debating one another as to just what kind of freaky shit I’m into that would lead to a snake being in close proximity to my crotch.

Of course, that would the least of my worries. Walking around with a swollen, achy nutsack can’t be fun and it damn sure ain’t sexy, so play time with the wife is off the table while waiting for the scrotum to no longer resemble a grapefruit.

And then, of course, there’s the PTSD that would follow. Simply opening the door to the bathroom would produce the type of vertigo I experience when I step out onto the roof of the five-story building I work in. Yes, heights weird me out, but heights have nothing on snakes when it comes to my personal phobias.

I remember one of my coaches in middle school telling us the story about how the new guys in his fraternity were required to take a “Viking Dump.” That’s where you stand on the seat and hope like hell your aim is spot on.

After watching that video, I’m thinking it may be time to try my hand at one of those “Viking Dumps.”